henny youngman quotes

Share . We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. Drinks right out of the bottle.”, “My wife is a light eater. He was born March 16th, 1906 in Manhattan New York. The Cite Site brings you inspirational, thoughtful and witty quotes by famous and lesser known people, most of which died ages ago but live on through their words. Henny Youngman Funny Quotes. It only seems longer.”, “Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”, “Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”, “Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.”, “My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.”, “My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. It interferes with their suffering.”, Your email address will not be published. Tags: WHQWorld is one of the largest Quotes website curated from all over the world covering every possible categories and famous people. He told me to quit going to those places.”, “I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”, “If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”, “It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”, “Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.”, “I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”, “I said to my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.”, “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”, “I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. god, Funny. Steven Wright Quotes. "Okay, you're ugly too!”, “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? Dan Rather Quotes. All the sayings and quotes are copyrighted to respective authors and WHQWorld is just a curator here to distribute them with the world. Henry "Henny" Youngman (16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was a comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners", short simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire. Required fields are marked *. Tags: There was water in the carburetor. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?”, “The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”, “What’s the use of happiness? The thief spends less than my wife did.”, “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”, “We always hold hands. I stepped on a rake.”, “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”, “A Jewish woman had two chickens.

Drinking Quotes. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. Tags: wife, keeps, finding. What can I do?" Yes, I sure did. Read the best motivational Henny Youngman quotes at The Cite Site. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. You need to get some exercise. I said, "Try the kitchen.”, “I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”, “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

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“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”, “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

Tags: It can’t buy you money.”, “When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.”, “I played a great horse yesterday! My wife called it the Dead Sea. Top 49 Henny Youngman Quotes of 2020. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. Movie and TV Show Quotes. Beavis and Butthead. I stepped on a rake.”, “Who says nothing is impossible? His boss became sick of him.”, “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Home / Authors / Henny Youngman. wife, hotel, we, Dead, Sea. The columnist, Walter Winchell, dubbed Youngman ‘The King of the One-Liners.’ When you look through our selection of Henny Youngman one-liners, you’ll understand why.

Tags: Jerry Seinfeld Quotes. I was afraid to bet.”, “My wife dresses to kill. Tell me when it’s ready.”, “If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me.

The doctor says, "Limp!”, “A doctor gave a man six months to live. Henny is most famous for his short jokes and quotes, the most famous being 'Take my wife - please.' Henny Youngman.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well. Finally, I let her out.”, “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?

Cats and Dogs . She’s fast and he’s hideous.”, “Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”, “I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”, “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Please set a username for yourself. More Henny Youngman Quotes. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”, “A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? He specializes in short jokes and is nicknamed The King of the One Liners. Henry "Henny" Youngman (16 March 1906 – 24 February 1998) was a comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners", short simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire.

If I let go, she shops. Henny Youngman Quotes. He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”, “You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”, “Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Check 3 friends. “Doctor, my leg hurts. Tags: It can't buy you money.”, “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”, “While playing golf today I hit two good balls. Quotes by famous dead people and some other humans.

Journalist Quotes. American comedian and violinist. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”, “If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.”, “A doctor gave a man six months to live. Last Updated on October 20, 2020 “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” ― Henny Youngman “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. Richard Jeni Quotes. Run ten miles a day." Drinks right out of the bottle.”, “My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”, “This is an elegant hotel! She thinks I’m selling dope.”, “That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!”, “You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.”, “She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”, “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”, “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”, “If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.”, “This man used to go to school with his dog. "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!”, “A drunk was in front of a judge. We, hold, hands, shops. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.

She said, "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." Anything I wanted to.”, “You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”. Another guy says, Do what I do. Last year she bought an escalator.

By the way, you have a nice house!”, “A man goes to a psychiatrist. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. How does he get rid of his trash? Good Morning Meme ( Funny & Fresh Collection) of 2020. Coconuts and bananas. If they are okay, you're it.”, “She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" wife, me, car, wasn't, running, There, water, lake. Tags: Henny Youngman. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.”, “Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Walter Cronkite Quotes.

I've been doing nothing for years.”, “You know what I did before I married? Henry "Henny" Youngman (March 16, 1906 - February 24, 1998) was a British-born American comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners," short, simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”, “A guy complains of a headache.

It took seven horses to beat him.”, “My son complains about headaches. Henny Youngman Quotes - Funny Quotes "My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. Henny Youngman Quotes. secret, happy, marriage, remains. If I let go, she shops.”, “What's the use of happiness?

March 16, 1906 – February 24, 1998. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”, “There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night!

Misc Uncatalogued Quotes. When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. My wife will buy anything marked down. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!”, “You have a ready wit. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. Yes, I'd like to receive Word of the Day emails from YourDictionary.com. That was only for the estimate.”, “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. The Hangover Quotes… and Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. Privacy Policy.

His best known (and oft misattributed) one-liner was "Take my wife-please" Update this biography » Complete biography of Henny Youngman » wife, buy, anything, marked, down, Last, year, bought, escalator. Rodney Dangerfield Quotes. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. By continuing, you agree to our In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.”, “My dad was the town drunk. 200 Cigarettes Quotes. This is a paid political announcement." His dog graduated!”, “Why do Jewish men die before their wives? Room service has an unlisted number.”, “While playing golf today I hit two good balls. Posted by Quotes at 9:04 AM No comments: Famous Quotes - Funny Quotes "My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. They want to.”, “Why don’t Jews drink? Tags:

If at first you don't succeed...so much for skydiving. Then they were separated. It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”, “A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”, “She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.”, “Those two are a fastidious couple.

She cooks the same way.”, “How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’”, “This man is frank and earnest with women. "No, jump in!”, “She was at the beauty shop for two hours. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!"

My wife is on a new diet. We always hold hands. Henny Youngman (1906-1998) U.S. (English born) comedian Funny Awards Famous Recipes. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. wife, new, diet, bananas, hasn't, lost, weight, can, climb.

Stupid Quotes Wise Quotes. People will see it as Author Name with your public flash cards. He told me to quit going to those places.”, “When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”, “My other brother-in-law died. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.”, “I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. Naked Gun 2 1/2. They’re worth it.”, “I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”, “I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking."

Your email address will not be published. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”, “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.

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